Not funny, honey

St Jean-Baptiste

This is our new log burning fire. Lovely isn't it?

Unfortunately it remains disconnected. (Heaves heavy sigh and prepares to reveal all).

The day started badly with The Little Bar Steward asking to go out and play at 4am. We're used to him wanting to go out at first light, but that isn't until 5am so I was particularly displeased this morning. Misty wasn't at all sure that it was a good idea to start the day so early but she was 'persuaded' to go out at the same time and I crept back to bed.

But.

We were expecting workmen and once I was back in bed I just couldn't sleep properly in case I overslept.

Of course it would be a good idea to set an alarm clock, or even to have a clock in the bedroom but that isn't the idea of retirement at all.

So I tossed and turned until I decided that it really must be getting late and I should get up.

It was 6.30.

At 9.45 the workmen turned up. They were in ill-humour.

'Madame', said one, 'Do not speak to me of Cahors today'.

I remembered something I read the other day in the local newspaper.

'Ah, there is a strike by local artisans, n'est ce pas?'

'They have completely blocked the town with their manifestation' he said with a Gallic shrug that says so much (not).

They continued unloading their van and I went back to my bill-paying activities and my on-line argument with France Telecom.

A little while later one of the men appeared again. Does Madame have a bombe because the chimney has a wasp's nest in it and the wasps must be removed before they can insert the chimney liner? Of course Madame would have a bombe somewhere but exactly where had she seen it last?

The bombe was found and insecticide sprayed liberally down the chimney from above.

No good.

'Madame? Where is Monsieur?'

Monsieur had gone out to get some bread and milk but was expected back shortly. Could Madame please call him on his portable because surely he must have one with him (never mind the awful reception in these parts) and he should immediately go and find a stronger bombe because the one she had given the men was foreign (English) and wasn't up to the job.

Jon returned a while later with two new bombes which were inspected, found to be of the type recommended by the pompiers so it must be good and therefore the contents were also liberally sprayed down the chimney.

The honey bees, for that is what they are, remained buzzing around the chimney until the workmen decided that they would go for lunch and search the shops (as soon as they were open) for an even stronger bombe.

Now, we should state at this point that we are not happy about the murdering of defenceless bees and had thought that a bee-keeper might have been found who would want to take them away. However, the damage was done and over lunch we checked from time to time for further bee activity around the chimney and also in the salon where the some bees were escaping. All seemed quiet.

Some hours later, the droning and rattling of an old white van, worn out with carrying cast iron wood burning stoves around the French countryside was heard climbing the lane.

It stopped just short of the driveway. It clunked. Men got out, shouted at each other, banged doors, started the engine again. More clunking, more shouting, and an odd sort of grinding noise .... Then the mobile phone came out.

The other chap came to explain. The van had broken down. The gear box wasn't working suddenly. We weren't surprised, that was the clunking sound we had heard.

The van lay abandoned in the middle of the lane, nothing could get round it and we hoped that both sets of neighbours were out because the breakdown truck couldn't arrive for another 90 minutes.

Meanwhile back up the chimney more bombes were unloaded and chimney emptying activity continued.

Bucket loads of soot and other general debris came down for inspection.

Ugh. Finally the breakdown truck arrived. There was a frenzied activity as the workmen packed up their tools and loaded them into their van on the back of the breakdown truck.

They were very sorry Madame, but they were leaving now as they had to go with the breakdown vehicle. Unfortunately as all work is planned in advance they may not be able to return to complete the work for another 2 weeks. But anyway, hopefully the hot weather would warm up and release all the honey that is stuck to the chimney like superglue because it will have to be removed before they can insert the chimney liner.

Two very fed up looking young men left the area.

On a positive note, it is 30 degrees outside and we really have no need to light a wood fire just at the moment.

Just as well, really.

Anyone fancy some sooty honey on their toast tomorrow morning?