It's good to talk

St Herbert
Yesterday's weather: fantastic sun - but a bit nippy!

Well, I expect you were all wondering where we had got to? We were too.

Picture the scene:

4 February 2008. White van appears on the lane. Man gets out, gets into a mini crane on the back, goes up in the air, plays around with phone line, descends, gets back in white van and disappears. We then notice that our phone connection has vanished.

Later, that same day, three attempts later I manage to get through to our phone supplier.

'Have you checked that the modem box is plugged into the wall?'

'Yes'

'Have you changed the filter?'

'Yes'

'Have you recently had a power cut or electrical storm?'

'No'

'You're sure that the box is connected to the electric supply?'

'Yes'

'And it's plugged into the phone socket via the filter?'

'Yes'

'OK, well, I can't think of anything else for now. We'll test your line and send you an SMS to your mobile phone'

Two days later on the mobile again.

'You haven't been in contact, what's going on with my phone?'

'Is the modem box plugged in to the electrical supply?'

And so we went through the whole process again and they promised to contact us.

Three days later.....

'Do you have any news about my phone?'

'Is the modem box plugged into the electrical supply?'

'Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh'

'We'll arrange for our contractor to come out and see you'

'I'm going away for two and a half weeks on Monday, it's now Saturday'

'Well in that case they will call you when you get back. I've tested the line and there's nothing wrong with it.'

Monday 11th February. We took the evening flight to London arriving late evening and making the connection via youngest daughter for the Hong Kong flight on Tuesday.

More on that in the days to come. We had a very nice time thank you.

Thursday 28 February. Back home, rested and relaxed (well, apart from jet lag and all the stress that goes with travelling for 24 hours).

Friday 29 February. Tried calling the home phone line from the mobile to see if I could reach our messages. Found a message from someone on the home phone line saying that they heard that our land line was broken and they were phoning (the broken line) to make an appointment to come out and mend it. I didn't catch his phone number but decided to wait until the next day when I had been promised a phone call to make the appointment.

Saturday 1 March. Waited for a phone call. Nothing happened so I phoned the phone supplier again.

'Oh, your phone line has been broken since 4 February'

'Yes'

'And it still doesn't work?'

'No'

'Has someone been in contact about coming to see you'

I lied, after all, if the phone was broken and they hadn't phoned the mobile then how was I to know that they had called at all? 'No'

'Please don't worry Mrs Smith, I will personally ensure that someone calls you and comes to sort out the problem as soon as possible. Please do not worry about it. We will repair your phone line as soon as possible.'

I felt reassured.

Stupid.

Monday 3 March pm.

'Hello. I haven't heard from your contractor yet?'

'I will contact them for you and make sure they call you to arrange an appointment as soon as possible.'

Tuesday 4 March pm.

'Can you please let me know when someone will come and fix my phone?'

'I'll just try and find out'

Rubbish 'hold' music for 5 minutes.

'I'm sorry, they can't tell me when it will be'

'Then if I haven't heard in 24 hours I will be cancelling my contract with you'

'That, Madame, is your choice. I completely understand how you feel'

Thursday 6 March am, France Telecom Agency in Cahors.

I am told that France Telecom would love to have our account back and it will be very easy just to transfer our number back again.

Just a minute, the telephone number you have given us doesn't exist.

'I can assure you that it does exist and we have had that telephone number for 10 years'

No, the telephone number does not exist. It has completely vanished from all telephone records. Where? Who knows?

Ah well, just to resolve this issue we will accept a new number. No problem, received new number, received France Telecom's 'Live Box' (yes, I know they can be flaky but I will try anything at this point to get a phone and the internet back). We'll have a mobile phone too while we are here. It comes with 5 Euros credit, I'll top it up tomorrow just so that we can be contactable in case of emergencies and can equally contact others.

The phone line will be connected in 10 - 14 days.

Tuesday 18 March. Mobile phone. Tried to call France Telecom technical assistance. Five minutes on the phone being told that it will cost me 34 cents per minute from a fixed line and other operators will charge accordingly. Waiting time, however is free from a fixed line. I'm on the mobile. Five minutes later, I can't get through.

Tried the main France Telecom line for reporting broken phone lines. Held on for 10 minutes was connected to an operator.

'Please hold for a moment'

Ten minutes later I was cut off.

Checked the credit on my mobile and was dismayed to find it had reduced by 15 Euros in the last day.

Gave up. Had a large glass of white wine with lunch and got on with other jobs.

Wednesday 19 March. Went to a friend's house to use their phone to call France Telecom technical assistance.

'Are you by the phone line, live box and computer?'

'No.'

'Then I can't help you. Please go home and call us again when you are in front of the computer'

Aaarrrrrggggghhhhhhh.

Twenty minutes later

'I'm in front of my computer and the live box. Please help me'

'Is the live box plugged into the electrical socket?'

'Yes'

'Have you connected all the other leads correctly?'

'Yes'

'I've tested the line and there is nothing wrong with it'

'Yes there is'

At this point the mobile phone cuts out. I have just spent another 15 Euros for 10 minutes on the phone and run out of credit.

I'm looking at the phone, dumbstruck, expecting it to suddenly turn into a pumpkin or a white mouse or something when it suddenly springs into life and rings.

'Hello again Madame Smith. I'm going to send an engineer out to you tomorrow morning to find out what is wrong with your phone'.

Hoo-bloody-ray!

This morning. 8.15. Mobile rings. Man is coming out to help me.

10am two men arrive. One wants to go up the pole and see what might be wrong but the other stops him saying that it is bound to be a problem in the house.

Takes phone socket apart. Tries various other tricks but to no avail. He goes to leave and says he will return. Fortunately he has left his tools behind so he will HAVE to come back.

He does.

'It's fine now. Yes. Look here, the ADSL light is lit and not flashing any more. Yes. The problem is solved.'

I wait for an explanation.

'Ah, yes, well, the wrong line had been connected in the exchange. Sorry. You won't be charged for the call out or the engineers' time.'

I should hope not.

Well, I can't stop and chat any more. I've got 353 e-mails to read.

Do I want to join an on-line casino?

Will I give someone all my bank details including my pin number please?

Do I want any Viagra?

A very wealthy man has just died in Nigeria and they want to share his money with me (co-incidentally he has the same surname as me). Yeah, right!

Boy, have I missed my e-mails.

It's good to be back.