Hey, Baby, I'm your telephone man

(Meri Wilson 1977)

Ste Christine

My battles with France Telecom continue. We opened a new contract with them after various troubles with another company and we were promised that there would be no problems.

Of course, we didn't believe this for one minute.

Our contract is supposed to include unlimited calls to the UK (not mobiles) and to other European countries near to France.

The invoices from FT confirm this and then under that is a list of calls we have made and the cost of them - which is added to the invoice. No, they are not calls to mobiles in the UK.

So, having heard that they are quite good, and being totally fed up with spending all my time arguing with people over the phone in French, I thought I would try out the France Telecom English Speaking Helpline.

First of all you get a message saying that your call will be monitored. Fair enough, it might even help out later if they do record the call.

Then you get a lady saying 'Welcome to France Telecom English Speaking Helpline. Please wait, your request is being dealt with. For all technical questions please dail 3900'

'OK' you think 'my call isn't a technical one so I'll just hold on'

It's a bit like a Chinese water torture. She keeps repeating herself over and over again. The longest time I have had to hold on to speak to someone was 23 minutes 42 seconds. I lost count of the number of times she repeated herself and by the time I got through to a human being (a man called Ange - that's with a soft 'g' not like Angie in EastEnders) I was so numb I almost forgot why I had called.

I explained the problem

'You are invoicing me for calls that I shouldn't be invoiced for'

'No, the option is not set up on your account'

'Yes it is, I am being invoiced 7 euros per month for the option, I can see it on the invoice'

'Hold on, I'll have to look at your contract.'

Usually at this point I am cut off and have to go through the whole rigmarole again. Sometimes I am lucky.

'Hello? Yes, the option is set up on your account. What was your question?'

'I'm still being invoiced for calls to the UK'.

'Are they to UK mobiles?'

'No'

'Are you sure?'

'Yes, but there is one call to a UK mobile and that is all'

'Hold on. I'll just look at your invoice'

If I haven't already been cut off before, it might happen now. Last time I was really lucky.

'Hello? Yes, I can see that you have been invoiced for calls that you should not be invoiced for. I'll have to write them a letter.'

Luckily he means an e-mail (or emu as my friend's mother calls them).

Finally he says he has written a letter and all will be OK next time.

Then I get the next invoice and it isn't OK next time. I have to go through the water torture, the brain numbness and the questioning all over again.

But, at least I have a telephone and the internet. A dear friend of ours is having trouble even getting connected and has to use the local library for the internet and another line for the phone. She is at her wits end. 'The lady at France Telecom tells me to reste tranquille and I hate her' she says.

I know just how she feels.